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Mental Illness Musings:

I am Bi-Polar:

I am bipolar. I understand what non-bipolar partners and family deal with. Bipolar is something that the individual with bipolar has to take responsibility for. I have never cheated on any of my partners. I do not gamble to extreme. I do not drink or abuse drugs. I know I am hard to live with I have had breakdowns and periods of decompression more times than I can remember. I am on medication but have to "hold tight to myself" and maintain control. I hate myself. I self-harm hoping to feel normal. I love my wife and family but fear they are going to leave (I am not good with people). I say I don't care attempting to mask the fear of rejection again. I ache to be normal, to stop the noise in my head but am frightened when it is quiet. I want someone to love and accept me but I push them away at the same time. My bipolar is my protection in a world I am not equipped to deal with. The life of a person with bipolar is agony. Should bipolar people get married or have relationships? We just want to be loved. It's simply caused by a lack of chemical in our brains? Creates a personal hell! One with no chance of escape. We are destined to repeat the misery created in our life. Others claim to understand, but is there a way for a non-bipolar to really know what we experience? Death will be a welcome event. I am sure I would not be missed much; others claim they love us but make every attempt to flee from us. What are we to do? Just another day, with little or no change, struggling to get through the day hoping not to hurt anyone we love, never works! Sometimes it's obvious we are in pain, but the pain is always close by. Just want to be normal or at-least compatible. Mad or angry constantly... Why can't there be more good days than bad? Wishing for nothing but happiness, but never able to obtain. Do non-bipolar truly understand what that must be like? Amazing we survive as long as we do? Would normal people be able to function if suddenly subjected to the same emotions? Would friends and family still treat us the same if they could spend one day in our head? Or would they even be able to make it one day? To us it is normal, maybe that's why we can't change ourselves? We love and feel more deeply than others, but also hate and dislike more deeply...from minute to minute. Were tired, exhausted as we are constantly searching for happiness!

Submitted on May 17, 2011 by Anonymous

The Long Ride Down:

When does the mind first entertain the thought that depression is in the air? What are those first signs that we ignore, telling ourselves that it isn’t really something to worry about? Why does it seem like it snuck up on us, like we had no clue it was there?It happens when certain behaviors, though innocuous at first, begin to combine with other behaviors. Starting to sleep more (12-14 hrs a day, occasionally 17 hrs, but you get the point, sleeping A LOT). Thoughts that the world would be better off without you, passing thoughts that are easy to dismiss. There are days when picking at your skin turns into more, when you NEED more, when nothing will satisfy. When taking a shower every day seems an insurmountable obstacle. When you cant even imagine getting the toothbrush out to brush your teeth. These things start to mount up and one day you look down and you have been wearing the same clothes for three or four days, you have to wear a hat because your hair is so gross, and you cant even imagine how bad your breath has become.

It feels like I am at the fourth or fifth step on a stairway heading down. And the stairway turns into a slide at my feet. I have a choice, to try to climb up the stairs, or slide down all the way to the bottom. And for some reason, the bottom is so tempting.

It feels like it is my only choice. What things can I bring out of that darkness at the bottom of the stairs?

To fight this fall, this trip, this slide down the stairs while as exhausted as I am seems impossible. There are certain skills I could use, but it would all be a charade, an attempt to appease the ones in charge of my care. “We’re talking about whether you should be in the hospital.” A sudden fear, the thought rattles through my head. I should be fighting this, I just don’t know if I will.

Submitted on December 5, 2010 by Laura

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