I've been diagnosed as bipolar II, 17 years ago. Have been on several meds and nothing has stopped my mixed episodes. Lately, I've been admitting that I have had catatonia and auditory and visual hallucinations, but never have told anyone before due to the stigma and didn't want to be locked in a padded cell for life. My psychiatrist gave me a sample of Invega for a week, because I should have been hospitalized for SI's, but i don't qualify for insurance due to my illness. It has been the best med for me so far. I've read up on it and realized that schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type fits me better than any other description and since the med worked, I believe I am correct. I told my therapist this and he asked me what I hoped to achieve by telling him this. I replied that it would be nice to finally have a correct diagnosis, don't you think? Maybe med and therapy changes? I don't think he gets it or cares. If you were told you had gallstones and you actually had liver cancer, wouldn't you rather get diagnosed correctly? I've attempted suicide several times and think about it almost daily. I hear people talking when I'm the only one in my house, I feel my bed shake when I'm the only one there, I see shadows. I get super hypo manic at times and don't leave my house for days at a time if I don't have to. I'm scared to drive at times and get very irritable and angry. When I'm not on my roller coaster bipolar ride, I'm seeing, hearing, experiencing strange things which I never wanted to discuss before, but I think I need to in order to get help. How can you prove you have one mental illness over another? Because I do believe the drugs and therapy should be different and I need help with daily living. Where do I go from here? Are there tests? If I can't even drive, take a shower or feed the dog at times, how am I supposed to hold down a job? I want to get better, but how, if your therapist is ignorant and your pdoc is just a pill pusher? I will not give up. My brother committed suicide due to this illness, and even though I get suicidal, I will try my hardest to survive this living hell. I've been hospitalized 5 times, also. No, I'm not suicidal right now, just wondering how to get people to listen and at least try to understand. Brain scans and blood tests should show at least something, don't you think? It's been a long hard road, but I know I'm not alone. And that helps. Namaste.
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